growing and becoming ...

I am really stressed out about my school work. I know it will be fine but I just have myself in an anxious/nervous condition. Why must I continue to procrastinate? Because I am a perfectionist. I want to be perfect and I have a fear that it is not. So the logical answer is to continue to procrastinate, right? Ugh... I need to just start working, start writing. I need a good cry. I need to have some breathing room to figure out what the hell I am doing. My exams are not due until the end of January so I will have plenty of time in January to do them if I am not too busy with work, etc. The problem is I just found out that we will also get graded on out work before turning in the papers. This is a change from how the papers were graded last year in the program. Spain just has a different system. I am too caught up in the grades part of it. I did terrible last year because I wasn't used to the Danish system. I am so used to being a good grades student. I have to forget that and just produce my best. I just don't like traditional papers. I think they are boring and I feel that I can't contribute anything further. I am such a failure in academia.

I keep finding excuses for not starting. I need to be kinder, gentler with myself. I need to stop putting the weight of the world into these papers. I have to remember that 20 years from now this will not matter. (I used that technique in college years ago.)  And yet, although I know this, I am still wanting to be perfect. Give it up.

 It doesn't help matters my period is on the verge of arriving. Of course I want it to be here and gone because Daniel is coming Friday.

I meet with my adviser for my papers today and I don't haven't anything new to talk about if I don't get some work done now! 

Which European nationality should you have created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Italian Italian 88% Danish 75% Belgian 75% Irish 75% Polish 50% Russian 50% Swiss 50% Spanish 50% Dutch 38% German 38% Turkish 38% French 38% British 13% Molvanian 13%

I am stressed about school and life in general. The classes for my program end next month and then I have two huge research papers due at the end of January. It isn't that terrible except I have emailed my supervisor for the papers and he has yet to get back to me. I would like to get started on the papers and not procrastinate as I typically do. I need him to get back to me so I can know what his expectations are with the papers... I am trying to figure out if I will stay in Spain through the end of January or return to Copenhagen. There are so many decisions to make and everything is up in the air. I have applied for two jobs in Copenhagen and I am REALLY hoping to get one of them because they would be the perfect jobs to have while writing my huge dissertation.  If  I get one of the jobs I am hoping for then I will return to Denmark in early January....if not, then I will more than likely stay here through the end of January/Early February.

What I know as of now...I will stay in Spain through the end of December. I have a place to live in Copenhagen through the end of February. Things will work out somehow. What I don't know as of now...where I will be living after February, what I will focus my research papers on, if I need to come back to Spain to give oral presentations on these papers, and whether one of my best friends and her husband will come to visit me over the Christmas holiday.



I will see NT in two weeks and I can't wait. I get a short weekend with him because I am going to Copenhagen to take care of some things (going to the doctor, finally getting my Spanish visa so I can stay here a few more weeks, getting lots books/articles for my paper, and hopefully  doing a job interview). This was a unplanned trip which manifested yesterday because I found out I got my  student visa finally and I have to go to Copenhagen to pick it up before Dec. 22nd.  NT bought his ticket yesterday too and he will come to Spain for his Christmas break. I can't find the strength to be excited because I am just so anxious about the future. Of course deep down I am truly ecstatic because it will be so nice to be close with him again. I miss him, I miss my friends, I miss just having a semi-normal life where I am settled somewhere and I have somewhat of an idea of the future.

Barcelona was absolutely amazing!!! I am so happy I went and I was able to see so much in the little time I was there. The weather wasn't completely sunny but it was perfect enough for me. I stayed in a hostel right on the sea! That was incredible in itself. It happened to be the cheapest option and in a perfect location. I watched the sunrise over the Mediterranean two days in a row (more of a cloudy sunrise but still beautiful). I saw Gaudi's work!!! OMG OMG OMG ....it is just incredible. I was in awe every place I went. One nice part about the weekend is I was never far away from an American. I would bump into someone from various places here and there. That was fairly fitting considering how I went to Barcelona to help take my mind off not being home for Thanksgiving.

There were a lot of students traveling like me and I was able to have brief encounters with many. I also met two women from Texas I helped to find their way. (I rather enjoy learning the layout of a city even if I am only there for a short time.) We met outside of the Sagrada Familia (a gorgeous church by Gaudi) and I helped them get to the Metro.We were talking about what I was doing in Barcelona and I explained I went there because I was sad I was unable to be home for Thanksgiving. They thought it was a bit funny I was traveling alone if I was sad about not being home, but nonetheless they were sweet. When we said good-bye one woman said, "Hey" and she held out her arms to hug me. I can not explain the feeling that rushed over me in that moment. It was so sweet and tender. I felt a direct connection to my mom. It was if I was hugging her though this woman. I am not sure if that woman will ever know how much that meant to me.

Things I need to do:

- reconnect with me
- move my body more
- get back into my routine of yoga
- start on school work
- eat healthier
- stop being hard on myself
- take care of my needs instead of always putting others before me

I was in a great routine of jogging/walking at least 3-4 days a week. I realized how much of a positive impact this had on my mental health. I have to get back there with no excuses....can't say the weather is too cold because I can layer clothing.....can't say it is too rainy because I have clothes for that....can't say I don't have enough time because I do, I can always make time for at least a half an hour of movement.  I was also doing yoga regularly and mostly I felt so good. I was able to deal with stress much better instead of turning to food. Thus I need to return to this. I just simply allowed myself to fall out of the doing on a regular basis and now I am feeling the need to return. I am also feeling the need to reconnect with me. I bought a ticket to Barcelona next week in order to be by myself. I will be going there for the Thanksgiving kind of as a consolation for not being able to be home for the holidays. How many people can say I spent Thanksgiving in Barcelona?  I will try to move towards taking better care of myself by following what I know I need to do.

Well, my life has been very busy with school plus I have started teaching English classes to children and adults. Actually, I have three teaching jobs...one with children who are 7 and 8, one with adults, and then one with a private family for their two daughters who are 10 and 11. I dislike the first one because it is 8 (as of yesterday it became 9) children (7 boys! and 2 girls) in a TINY room. The students are very rowdy and enjoy hitting/talking/bothering their fellow classmates more than listening to me. It is a challenge for me because I spend more time redirected them than teaching. I am trying to use everything I know to make it work but it is still very stressful.... The adult job is much better. I go to a company to teach employees before work. The only downfall of this job is how early it is (7:30). Fortunately, I am a morning person but, unfortunately, I have not been getting enough rest to allow myself to be that natural morning person that I am. The last job is wonderful. I just started with that one yesterday but I can already tell I am going to love it. The girls are so sweet and they are very motivated to learn. The family is great and they pay me well. (I make twice as much with that job as I do teaching the first class!) Although for me, this is not about the money. (It helps because I have been on a fairly tight budget and I don't know what will happen after I graduate.) It is mostly
to acquire different experiences which is definitely happening.

I have been able to take some fantastic hikes in the mountains here. That has been the most incredible part of being in Spain.  I would like to figure out a place where I can upload them easily because I hate to do it one by one on LJ.  (It just takes too much time.)

I love the sensation of reaching the peak of the mountains. To be able to look out and see the mountains continuing on and on is something that fills me with so much joy every time. I have taken one big hike with my partner NT (He came to visit a few weeks ago and that was a wonderful time. It is so hard to be apart from each other.)  We did two peaks in one day with the mountain closest to this city. Then I did a weekend trip with the Hiking Club from my school. Some of my classmates and I signed up and we ended up being the only ones along with three Spanish students from school. It was like our private hiking tour. We took a bus outside of the city and stayed in a house of sorts which was designed more for groups. We hiked the tallest peak of the area that we are in.  The last hike I just did on Sunday. Although the peak wasn't as high for this one, the hike was still taxing. We did three peaks and on the second one we had to crawl over rocks and through thorn bushes to reach the top. It was a scary but exhilarating experience. Hiking with my classmates has been such a fun time. We have really bonded through this time. Now onto the few pictures I had patience to upload from the most recent hike!!!


                   

I called a student travel agency and I found a cheap(er) flight home. I decided to quit looking and buy it. The best part is I only have one stop before reaching home! The deal is the close to the best I could find for the dates I wanted. I will be home for six weeks and suddenly that doesn't feel like enough time.

The weather is rainy, cold and dreary here. Why can't it be sunny and hot (perfect beach weather) like it was when I had exams. I am watching the rain pour outside my bedroom window and feeling blah. Perhaps it is the aftermath of coming off of this stressful period. May be it is feeling the transition of life. Or, this state I am in could even be hormonal due to my menstrual cycle but I feel strange. This will pass in time.

I have passed all of my exams! I am in somewhat of a disbelief because of how challenging this year was for me. I honestly thought I could fail several of the papers, and I would have, if I had not performed as well in my oral exams. This has been an interesting program to study with due to all of the obstacles I have faced. I will attempt to process this year as a unwind from my overly stressed state. My life will continue to be crazy because now I have to prepare to move to Spain. I will study there a semester and so I need to get my visa, find housing, etc. I will also go home this summer....I am searching for cheap flights right now and I can't find anything for under $1000. :(  I have a lot of things to take care in Denmark too and I want to travel some this summer. Life will not settle down for a while. At least for now I can breathe a sigh of relief!

I am not even sure where to begin. I have certainly wanted to write more but my life has been a sudden whirlwind. I moved at the end of May to a place closer to the city. It was a last minute decision because I was planning to remain in my apartment until the end of July. The problem was I couldn't afford that and so when I found this room I took it to save the money. Plus there is the added bonus of being closer to more activity. The train station is about a five minute walk and there is only a few stops until you are in the heart of Copenhagen. Everything is for the most part within a 20 minute bike/train radius. The interesting part about moving is now NT and I have flatmates. At the moment there are three couples living here. We are a truly international household with people from Denmark, Sweden, Norway, England, and the US.  I will have to write more about this later. I don't have the time to elaborate because I have to prepare for exams.

I had my first two oral exams and those went well. I was convinced I would fail both of them but I passed. I worked hard to be ready for the oral examination but it was still tough. I am very relieved to be half way finished! I have another exam tomorrow and then my last on Wednesday. I am really hoping to pass because I don't want to have to worry about them over the summer. The Danish system is very different because here it is okay to fail because then you can just do it again. There have been two people in my program already who have failed. If I can perform well in my oral exams then I will be okay.

I *will* post more after these exams. Life will continue to be busy but I will have more time to relax. I will be able to write in replace of the time I am studying or worrying. I promise to post pictures (kmiotutsie)  ;-) and answer your request Bel. I wish all the best to everyone.

I finished my exam papers, barely. I turned them in without having completed a final read through due to the fact I ran out of time. I don't have the energy to go into more detail. The fact is now I can live again (or at least somewhat live because I have oral exams in a couple of weeks). I intend to try to process this experience more in a longer post but for now I am taking a rest from it all.

I want to get my mind off of these papers so, I thought may be something fun would be to post what those who read my journal would like to read. Any suggestions? Would you like to know something more about me? I need you to help give me a spark. Plus, I am sure it wasn't very much fun for you to hear me complain so much these past couple of months. I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you!

I will have to take a break from playing on the internet because I am using it as a distraction. This will unfortunately include checking LJ, my e-mail, and wandering  around websites for news information from around the world. I have discovered the past couple of days I am using the internet as an escape from writing my papers. I will be back, I promise. It may not be until after May 21st but we'll see. I need to be more productive because time is running out. I will accomplish this but I must take the steps necessary to do so. Agh! I don't like it when something (like school or work) dominates my life because it takes away from me (and thus my friends). I just have to remember this will pass. Sending out well wishes to each of you!

I know I haven't posted in forever and I am sorry about that. I would have loved to have posted sooner but I have been writing a 15 page paper and with the title page, table of contents and references it is19 pages! Woah! That took an incredible amount of work. Now I have to write 3 more before the 21st of May. So, I will do my best  to post more, but my life will be consumed with reading and writing for my papers. I have been reading your journals and sending you all positivity. All the best to everyone!

I want to go dancing!!! I am going to go out tonight but I am feeling a bit *nervous*. I really just want to hear good music and feel my body move.

The struggles NT and I have been having within our relationship are stemming somewhat from the fact he has no contact with his mother. He shared with me today how he feels he needs to have contact with her. He misses having a mother. It makes sense to me now. I have been everything to NT. Since we met he has clung to me and  has been somewhat unable to live his life. He puts everything into me which just isn't healthy for him (or me). NT hasn't had regular contact with his mother for several years because she was manipulative and abusive towards him growing up. He was being destroyed by this and he needed to get away from her meanness . He has seen her a couple of times over the past few years but only at rare family events. His feelings around how she treated him are tearing him apart. Last night before I discovered this we talked about how I feel he is constantly stressed. He admitted he feels that way most of the time. He attributed it to moving and living in a new city. I think we both realized today it was more about him always carrying the stress of this situation around. He noted he has been holding in everything he feels about her and wanting to see her. He really is unable to process what he feels but he is trying. He is also carrying around so much and he isn't able to sort through it all. I am trying to be more patient, understanding, and supportive because I know how hard this is for him. I

LJ has really connected me to so many incredible people. I look forward to logging on and reading my friends page to see what new thoughts, ideas, insights, photographs, etc. await me. I am truly inspired.

I am becoming closer with belenen and that is an indescribable experience. She has brought such greatness to my life. I am basking in happiness from getting to know her.

Spring is coming...the smell is in the air. It feels so good to finally have more sun because this winter was dreary. Although it was the warmest winter ever here, the weather was still icky. I felt lost more than I have before without the sun. Usually surviving winter is not too difficult for me, except for the fact I love to indulge in comfort foods, but  even that is manageable. This winter I felt it depressed by seeing so little of daylight. The main reason I think I has such a hard time is due to the fact I am living much further north right now.  Here comes the sun!!!

I derive such pleaure in learning, growing, and expanding my mind. Sometimes I have difficulty with understanding why others are not as interested in truly understanding life and themselves. I feel this phenomenom is a result of many factors, including systems which do not attempt to give learners the appropriate tools they need to learn and be fully whole, as well as a society which seeks to keep us scared, uninformed, and unaware.

I want to break free from this. I do not want to live my life within a series of unquestioned routines. I want to question habits, thoughts, behaviors, etc. to become my complete self. I know this will never be stagnant, at least I hope. I will strive to always question myself and what is around me. At the same time, I want to live in the moment by appreciating the beauty which exists in our world.

I also must recognize how far I have come in my life. I have survived many forms of hardships including abuse. Surviving everything has taught me to keep going even if I might hate myself. We are all worthy of love. I am not being fair to me right now because I can not seem to figure my thoughts out. I feel I am a failure because of having to adjust to studying in a different educational setting. I have to make changes to get away from this place I am in mentally. I am attempting to do that slowly but I am not sure if it will be fast enough.

My body is always tense. Because of school I am constantly reading, writing, thinking, reflecting, and then reading and writing more. I don't have a lot of time for anything else much less to give to a relationship. I talked with NT yesterday about the possibility of us not living together anymore. I just feel all I have time for is to be at home or school to accomplish what needs to be done. I feel I have this terrible weight on my shoulders. My research at school is focused  on solving ways to fight and end injustice, inequality, poverty, pollution, etc. through appropriate education. With this I can never rest. There is more for me to do and more for me to find out. The evidence is all around us but I have to find scholarly works which reflect what we already know.

I am exhausted and stressed. I am trying to talk care of myself and that isn't working either. The cycle I get in is stress---not taking care of myself---beat myself up for not taking care of myself---be hard on myself for everything---begin to not like pieces of myself---hate myself---try to pull myself out and regroup---slowly start to take care of myself again. In the middle of that cycle I am so mean to me. I have also noticed that when I am not hard on myself I am hard on NT. I think things could be done this way or that way and I don't hesitant to tell him. Sometimes I just nitpick at him and it totally isn't necessary. I really need to figure things out.

Life is just too much for me right now. My Mom just lost her best friend and I know she is heartbroken. I am devastated I can not be home with her. I need to be close to her and my family during this time. Living an ocean apart makes that impossible at the moment. The funeral will be Saturday and my Mom will read at the ceremony. Writing this has brought out another cry which has pretty much happened ever since I found out about her death. I am so sad I can not be there to grieve with everyone. JE will be forever remembered as an incredibly vibrant spirit. She gave so much to everyone around her with her infectious laughter and her beautiful smile. I am grateful my Mom had such a friend in her life.